Squigzella.com

It’s been about a week since I last updated I think. Not that this week was overly busy, however I did have job interviews. The hunt is in full force. I have another tomorrow. It has been a good week for reflection. Having quite literally not a cent to my name leaves me with lots of free time to do nothing but think. In this time I realized a few important things about myself. I also accepted that instead of getting frustrated that I can’t afford WW every other week right now, I am going to follow plan and do my best from home until I am working and can afford it. Period. It will be so much more worth it then, and so much less stress on my shoulders.

I spent some time reading Post Secret today. www.postsecret.com. Today’s secrets are up and one of them really hit me hard. I’m not going to get into it here, but I can’t help but wonder if one of those secrets belongs to someone in my life. I am drawn to it. Even if this person didn’t send in this secret, I strongly feel it represents them and that’s what was so powerful. Logically I know it isn’t their secret, but I take comfort in thinking it could be. I’m sure that sounds completely ridiculous to most, but being able to read some of these secrets and relating…it is quite powerful to read that someone else out there shares a secret with you. Makes the world seem less cold and less lonely.

I’ve also done some introspection on relationships and their functionality in my life. It seems that since my marriage I do nothing more than find defect in every lovely man that comes into my life. I compare them to this idealistic blueprint of what I want. Of course none of them come near to what I want, and in turn I end up shutting them out, shutting the relationship down and remain once more alone. I realize this fault. However at the same time I know matter of factly that I will not settle for something that I do not truly want completely. In the past every substantial relationship I have had was built off of common interest, my independence which somehow made me more attractive, and just sheer excitement and fun. I feel that I have lost sight of that woman because of things that have happened in recent years. I’ve been on a quest to find her now for more than a few months. I feel I have mostly discovered the root of my troubles, my personal obstacles as well as some external ones. I am resolved that over the course of the next month I will make the changes in my life to accommodate and achieve my own personal happiness and satisfaction. This may seem selfish, but it’s been a very long time since I really took into consideration what I needed over the needs of others. It is time to respect myself, and take action to put my life back in working order.

Wish me luck on my progress.

~Squigzella