Been a good week. Weather has been mild but wet for what seems like forever. I oddly feel like we have switched coasts of Canada and someone forgot to mention it to me. I had hoped to go out today to run downtown to do a few errands but I hear parts of the Valley are without power and it is just plain icky out.
So today will be spent working on Christmas Cards and Crafts. Not such a bad idea.
I have my lists made of who I need to buy for. I have a good idea for everyone, so it shouldn’t be too difficult this year. That being said I have some personal expenses I need to take care of first which could cause me some issues, but I am going to try to figure it out. Licensing of car, renewal of insurance… all a pain in my butt, because I also need WINTER TIRES! Which I still don’t have. *cries*
That is stressing me out just a little bit.
Went to see The Spencers at the Imperial on Thursday. Hil scored us some tickets from work. It was a traditional magic show. It was kewl. I don’t know if I would have paid for tickets, but it was entertaining.
Going to see Chicago this upcoming weekend. Can’t wait! Think it is going to be pretty awesome. Friday night is TWILIGHT! 5 Sleeps!
Spent the day shopping with Gerry yesterday. He got new shoes. I got new undies which were much needed. Started back on completely counting points today. Going to see how it goes.
Sunday Points eaten and planned:
Bacon (4)
Eggs (4)
WW Toast (3)
3 Cookies (3)
Ham (3)
Beans(4)
2 Plums (2)
1/2 Pom (1)
Total: 24 Balance : 6
Send me your supportive vibes. I need’ em. Even though I haven’t gained, I finally don’t feel like I’ve lost anything at all because I have stayed the same size too long… LOL so it’s time to get down a jean size. It’s overdue!
~squigzella
It has been far too long since I updated. I have been fighting a cold for the past few days. It seems to have gotten to it’s worst here today, so I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll be feeling better.
I find myself lost in this very strange place lately. I’ve sort have been locked in my own prison of thoughts for awhile now trying to sort them out. Make it all make sense. For awhile I thought I needed some type of anti-depressant to help me figure things out. Then in a moment of weakness I cried, for the first time in a very long time and I admitted out loud in front of another human being what was eating me pretty much alive. What is strange is that build up of emotion, once released made a huge difference. It is still there, but is no longer governing everything else. Maybe to tell someone what I felt, and not have them rip into me for it is what I needed. I am not quite sure. All I know is I do not regret any decisions I have made, I regret that I did not take more time to see all the paths before me.
So all my ducks are lined in a row. Everything sorted out. Everything becoming clear. I’m slowly figuring out where I belong and where I do not. More and more lately as my career continues to be successful, other aspects of my life are slowly coming into order and into place. I have been my own worst enemy when it comes to finding a partner for this journey called life. I have had some excellent time for reflection… Change is coming…and it’s scary but also exciting.
Wow… that was all pretty deep. Let’s switch gears.
Work is going well. I’m busy all of the time. I will do my best not to say ALWAYS, because apparently that is a word along with NEVER that is used to frequently to make something more dramatic… and I am trying to stray from my Drama Queen ways. I’d like to pass the mantle on to someone else thanks..
Living at home has it’s ups and downs. I am looking forward to spending the Holiday with my family. It is something that was very special to us before Grampy passed 4 years ago. This year I vowed to myself to make it special again. Fill these halls with smiles, laughter and good times. I think I have my work cut out for me, however I am up to task.
I have maintained my weight. I have had other financial obligations that need straightened away before I can focus on the gym or weight watchers again. I’m hoping to be ready to commit back to it BEFORE the new years resolution rush.
14 Sleeps until we go see Twilight. I am SOOOO excited. I wish I had the first book here this weekend so I could re-read it. I may try to find an online copy just to get me all revved up for it again. Edward Cullen, I can’t wait to meet you… and your big brow on the big screen!
I have rambled on longer than I thought…but in the closing of this note for some reason some far away friends are in my thoughts today. Phil, Jody and Indi… all of you crossed my thoughts today. I hope life is well, and I cannot wait to see you all in a few short months!
X’s and O’s from the desk of a diva,
~Squigzella
I am just chillin at home on this rainy Saturday. Spending some quality time with the laptop. It’s been awhile since I just sat here and surfed the Internet reading random stuff and downloading music. I did these things when I was happy… music was a huge part of my life. I find myself listening to it more and more again. That must mean I’m happy. Strange how life goes in cycles. Took a long time to get here, but I think I’m finally out of that pit I fell into when I got divorced. I’m still paying for it financially, but emotionally I think I’m finally free of that cynicism that just overtook me for too damn long.
Work is going well. Keeping me very busy but my boss was right… when he hired me he told me that there would be days I’d leave frustrated and stressed, but loving it the whole time. He was absolutely right. There are days I just get grr, but I love what I’m doing, I enjoy the people I have to deal with. It’s good.
Been doing great with the gym. I started weights on my arms and legs. Arms so that I’ll be toned as I lose weight on them, and my legs so my hamstrings will be toned for longer runs. I started running this week, based on a simple starting strategy: Walk one minute, run one minute. I have found I can run for 7 out of 15 minutes of walking. So not nearly as terrible as I thought. I’m quite pleased.
I have been very tired lately, but I think it’s the change in season coming more than anything because typically the gym energizes me, and in a few short weeks I’ll feel that energy again as we get ready for Halloween, then Christmas!
I’ve been trying to keep up with US Campaigning. I will admit I find it so much more sensationalized than Canadian Politics. Perhaps that’s what makes us so “Canadian”. Our PM isn’t a celebrity. I don’t personally care for Harper, but I see him as much more of a person than a political celebrity. Obama on the other hand… I close my eyes and feel as though I’m listening to the Rock exercising his mic skills on Monday Night Raw… getting the audience riled up about his opponent in the next pay per view, John McCain!
But there is something inspirational about Obama’s mic skills. He has a warm, charismatic voice. McCain is old…and old school, with a flighty Palin as his backup. The chances of this woman becoming President because McCain will not live throughout his term is HIGHLY probably, and very frightening. If the Americans wanted a woman in office, they would have nominated Mrs Bill Clinton…
I find myself laughing now… as I really have nothing to say on the impending Canadian Federal Election… It’s about tax dollars and cowboy hats. Maybe Harper needs to have an affair, or Dion needs to get caught smoking pot before I’ll be interested… or maybe it’s just that the media has desensitized us to fact and legislation and made politics about, sex, drugs and scandal?
Well that went on longer than I thought it would. Just random thoughts from a random mind today.
X’s and O’s
~Squigzella
Good evening masses… ok I’d wager there aren’t masses who read my blog, heck people don’t even comment anymore… but that’s ok. That’s not really what this space is for. It’s just my little soap box and that’s just fine. So where to start..
I am back at the gym, and I went back to Weight Watchers on Saturday. I couldn’t go to the meeting because I got asked to help my Nan out with something and she had already made an appointment so it left me with little options, however I will be there for the meeting next Saturday. It was good to run into Judy…I can’t explain Judy, but seeing her always inspires me. So it was just good to see her smiling face when I got there Saturday morning.
Felt good to be back and know I only gained 4 pounds since July when I was last there. I had really gained more, but I over the past few weeks I started minding what I ate and shed the extra I did gain before going back. So at least I know I can do it right? Well I know I can do it. I made it this far. With going back to WW, I am also back at the gym. My first day back I run into an ex… too funny. Anyhow it seems we are both going to the same gym around the same time each day. At least I’ll have someone I can stop and gab with on occasion. Always makes the gym time pass faster.
Work is going well. Very busy and there just doesn’t seem to be enough time in my days but I haven’t drowned in my own paperwork yet.
Tuesday night we are off to Moncton to watch the Bruins play the Islanders in an exhibition game as part of Chris’s Bday festivities. I’m very excited. Hopefully we will see Lucic, Chara and maybe even Timmy Thomas… a girl can dream alright!
Last night about 20 of us went to Vito’s for Steve’s birthday, then we went back to his and Tara’s place for a few drinks. I wasn’t much in a drinking mood, so I just sat back and enjoyed the conversation. I wasn’t in a social mood most of my day and being around people was alright but sadly I wasn’t in the frame of mind to be my fun partying self. Nothing is particularly wrong, but yesterday I was very angry with someone for not minding their own business… and I let it get to me. But as things would have it, I found out that the very thing they interfered in my life for they are doing themselves… so the lesson… People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. That being said, I’m the better person and am going to mind my business. 
Either way, it made me a bit grr last night so I thought mixing rum with that would be a not so good idea. I do hope that Steve had a great birthday, and the cake Hil made was fantastic.
With that being said, I am off to play some World of Warcraft, it’s been two weeks!
X’s and O’s
~Squigzella
I started a new job this week to my great pleasure. Very happy with it so far. Lots of opportunity for growth and potential to really make my job what I want it to be. One of the few things that is going right these days.
I’ve had a few messages sent to me about my facebook status. I’m fine. Nothing I won’t live through. Just some hard choices made. I realized that I only have to answer to myself, and in doing that I know I’ll have peace of mind in my decisions and in my future. This job enables me to gain the stability I need in my life again. It will help me get back on my feet as well as help build a life..
I will be back at Weight Watchers around Sept 21st or something like that… and back to the gym at the end of September. Looking forward to both. Going to start walking the nature park after work next week. Filling up my calendar and keeping active. Keeps the brain off the troubles. 
Labour Day weekend was nice. Got to see some out of town friends. I took a ton of pics of Sylas and Robert on Thursday…. still waiting for those so I can post them for Vicki and Tara to see. Hopefully Chris will get those to me ASAP.
~Squigzella
One thing I try to live by in my life is my gut feeling. Even when something might look good on paper, if you have a bad gut feeling about it I always try to follow it. This comes from recent experience.
I got a full time, well paying job! Actually I got two. The first job was with a large corporate giant, that I’m certain I would becoming just one of the many numbers that work for them. I’m certain they offer an excellent work environment where I can be a lemming until retirement. If I miss a step, it would likely go by unnoticed by the masses, and it would offer job security. The second job is with a smaller company, only 25 years old. They have an excellent reputation in the Maritimes, lots of incentives for fitness and education, a small work environment where my responsibility and accountability will be important and appreciated. The owner of the company will likely know me by name and meet me once a year if not more.
So I took the second job. It felt right so I made that choice. I do not start til September 2nd, so I’ll keep you posted on my guts actual instinct and let you know if it did in fact guide me in the right direction.
On top of that I did work one week with the other company before offering my resignation. I would not have been fully trained by the time I had to leave so we didn’t bother wasting each others time.
Our Yard Sale is finally a go for tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be nice and warm, lots of sun. I know the Dragon boat festival is going on in Renforth, I’m actually hoping that brings more folks out into the Valley. We’ll see. If we don’t have a good turn out, I am tempted to hit Rhodas for a few weeks and see what I can get rid of there before giving the rest to community living. There are a few clothing items I may post on Kijiji, as I know how well decent plus size clothing sells.
Something happened today that made my day….
I’m sure most would find it quite silly however a few years ago my late friend Rob Loder gave me a native choker he got from a vendor in Aroostook. I used to wear it when I played a Character named Dianas Vengence in the Old World of Darkness. I had thought I had lost it, or it had been ruined in the flood we had in our basement and it was lost forever. Today I found it… for a few brief moments I felt my friend near again. Just oddly gave me a sense of closure finding it. It was one of the few things he ever gave me and I just wanted to know where it had been. Miss him more and more as time goes on. But it was a happy thing, finding that choker. It made my day.
With these ramblings coming to a close I have to go to Mel’s house and prepare for her Birthday/Housewarming tonight. Not even sure who is showing up, just know we have enough food to feed an army! Good times.
X’s and O’s
~Squigzella
p.s.. I’m down 3 pounds!
It’s been about a week since I last updated I think. Not that this week was overly busy, however I did have job interviews. The hunt is in full force. I have another tomorrow. It has been a good week for reflection. Having quite literally not a cent to my name leaves me with lots of free time to do nothing but think. In this time I realized a few important things about myself. I also accepted that instead of getting frustrated that I can’t afford WW every other week right now, I am going to follow plan and do my best from home until I am working and can afford it. Period. It will be so much more worth it then, and so much less stress on my shoulders.
I spent some time reading Post Secret today. www.postsecret.com. Today’s secrets are up and one of them really hit me hard. I’m not going to get into it here, but I can’t help but wonder if one of those secrets belongs to someone in my life. I am drawn to it. Even if this person didn’t send in this secret, I strongly feel it represents them and that’s what was so powerful. Logically I know it isn’t their secret, but I take comfort in thinking it could be. I’m sure that sounds completely ridiculous to most, but being able to read some of these secrets and relating…it is quite powerful to read that someone else out there shares a secret with you. Makes the world seem less cold and less lonely.
I’ve also done some introspection on relationships and their functionality in my life. It seems that since my marriage I do nothing more than find defect in every lovely man that comes into my life. I compare them to this idealistic blueprint of what I want. Of course none of them come near to what I want, and in turn I end up shutting them out, shutting the relationship down and remain once more alone. I realize this fault. However at the same time I know matter of factly that I will not settle for something that I do not truly want completely. In the past every substantial relationship I have had was built off of common interest, my independence which somehow made me more attractive, and just sheer excitement and fun. I feel that I have lost sight of that woman because of things that have happened in recent years. I’ve been on a quest to find her now for more than a few months. I feel I have mostly discovered the root of my troubles, my personal obstacles as well as some external ones. I am resolved that over the course of the next month I will make the changes in my life to accommodate and achieve my own personal happiness and satisfaction. This may seem selfish, but it’s been a very long time since I really took into consideration what I needed over the needs of others. It is time to respect myself, and take action to put my life back in working order.
Wish me luck on my progress.
~Squigzella
I wanted to sit down and blog about facing the music. I thought it might be therapeutic on some level. I went to Weight Watchers this morning and I was up exactly three pounds! I was right on the money. I will admit I am very disappointed in myself for gaining those three pounds. I am also disappointed in myself that I can’t seem to get a grip on the trials and tribulations going on in my life. Sometimes I wonder if the problem really IS that I moved home. Had I been out having financial struggles maybe it would be as bad as dealing with some of the issues here. It’s frustrating. I think back to some advise that Clarkson gave me a few years ago about life in general. Basically there is a point when we stop parenting our parents. It’s tough love and we have to do it. There is also a time when you really have to stand back and look at your life and truly live it for yourself and even if it seems selfish for awhile, it’s what needs to be done.
I have taken a step back more than a few times and really done what needed to be done for me. However there always seems to be something else that comes along, I suspect there always will be. Anyhow I totally digressed.
So I was up three pounds. I have made it this far, and I realize that I still have over 40lbs off! I have to keep remembering that and just keep moving forward. There is no reason to fall back into old habits that I haven’t had for more than a year. As I sit back and watch one half of my friends maintain this healthy lifestyle, slim up or maintain slim, while the other half eat poorly, treat their bodies poorly and fill out clothing more than they used to… I have to remember what makes me happy, not what makes them happy. I do not want to be diabetic. I do not want to be winded (and I’m not currently) while running or even walking, I want to walk into any store in the mall and buy clothes (I can in most cases as long as the chest is roomy) and yeah, I want to wear a shirt tucked in and not have a muffin top peeking over the waistline…I am so close to ALL of these goals, if not reached so there is no point in letting all this hard work and life lessons go to waste. I just need to apply the lessons I’ve been taught with more frequently and not get caught up my one little bump in the road.
There are a great number of things going on around me currently that I have absolutely no control over. This is something I *DO* have control over, and need to focus on that. I can effect the results of this situation. In other situations I am powerless and depending on others to take care of themselves, make decisions, sink or swim. This is something *I* can make the choices, and I have and will continue to do so.
Now I am going to go meet some friends and enjoy some Sushi.
~X’s and O’s
~Squigzella
I won’t even try to lie about it…. I had a terrible week of eating. I am so stressed about money and some life matters that food was most definitely my friend. Mind you I didn’t sit down and pig out…I just made horrible choices which in the moment brought me comfort. By tomorrow on the scale likely brought me 3 pounds…
My prime example of one of my bad food days… it started off so innocent with a bowl of Fibre 1 cereal. Lunch was a small piece of salmon as it had to be cooked or go bad, along with cold carrots and cucumber. Good start right? For supper I decided I was going to indulge. I caved… I had to have it. I had a P’zone from Pizza Hut. Even though the damn advertising tells you 1 pound of cheesy goodness… I’ll be honest, it wasn’t a pound, it was rather hollow inside. Either way I ate it, it wasn’t as good as I remember and all those points were gone poof and no satisfaction! So if I had stopped there I would have been alright. I did drink over 2 litres of water that day. By later in the evening I ended up with a cold cut sandwich on white bread. I did only eat half of the maybe 8 inch bread. But I ate it at 10 at night! That is just one day.
Yesterday wasn’t terrible…I did stay within points, but I felt like I wanted to eat every temptation that came my way. In part I think not being able to go to the gym, not having any walking buddies within 20kms of where I life, along with all my other stresses right now is just overwhelming me. I do not want to give up, I do not want to fall back into old habits. This is something I really want, I am just having such a hard time overcoming some struggles…
So… I plan on going to WW tomorrow, taking the # that shows up on that scale and moving forward. I will be going to get my weeks groceries after the meeting and a walk in the park with G. Hopefully that will be enough to get me realigned. I have some more job interviews coming up and I know having a routine and an income will dramatically improve my performance as it will help eliminate stress. There are some other changes that need to take place sooner than later and the more time passes maybe I need to take the same approach with that situation as I did with my decision to lose weight. Make a plan, stick to it and move forward.
Time will tell.
Thanks for letting me get up on my soapbox today and unload some stress…
~Squigzella
OPRAH!
http://www2.oprah.com/health/webmd/200802/health_weight_overeat_b2.jhtml
Experts say there are things you can do to make yourself more likely to stop eating when you are comfortable. They include:
- Eating Slowly
This isn’t a new concept. Remember all those familiar dieting tips like "sip water between bites" and "chew thoroughly before swallowing"? These were all aimed at slowing us down when we eat. Research led by Mark Gold, MD, at the University of Florida at Gainesville has shown it takes 12 or more minutes for food satisfaction signals to reach the brain of a thin person, but 20 or more minutes for an obese person. Eating slowly ensures that these important messages have time to reach the brain.
- Being Aware
"Be more attentive about the whole eating experience; don’t eat when you are driving or at the computer," Bacon advises. When we’re distracted or hurried, the food—and calories—we eat tend not to register well in our brains. Jean Kristeller, PhD, a psychologist and Indiana State University researcher, suggests a brief premeal meditation to get centered before eating so you can more easily derive pleasure from your food, give the meal your full attention and notice when you’ve had enough.
- Make the First Bites Count
Bacon believes that maximum food enjoyment comes in the initial bites. "After a few bites, taste buds start to lose their sensitivity to the chemicals in food that make it taste good," she explains. Satisfying your taste buds by really savoring those first few bites may help you stop eating when you’re physically comfortable.
- Keep up appearances
Using a smaller plate and paying attention to the presentation of a meal can increase your awareness of the food in front of you and help you stop eating when you are comfortable. "The brain looks at the plate and decides if the portion is adequate," Gold says. "It takes some time, but the smaller the plate, the smaller the portion."
- Choose Satisfying Foods
Steer away from foods that give you a lot of calories for very little volume, such as milk shakes, cheese and chocolate, Gold recommends. The higher the fiber, protein and/or water content of a food or meal, the more likely it is to be satisfying in your stomach without going overboard on calories.
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