Wasn’t an awesome food week, but wasn’t terrible. Was down .4 which really is something. Trying to stay focused with all the stress. Work is about to explode with insanity in the next few weeks. I’m trying to keep things organized. This week that will include cleaning out my file drawer. I HATE filing, but it needs done desperately and cleaning up that area will clean up my mind.

Went to Micheal’s today and picked up $495 worth of foliage for $46 bucks! Yay CAiNE props! Also started working on the center pieces for OWoD. Just need to track down my glue gun to make real progress.

Back to your regularly scheduled life.

~Squigzella

I think I’m doing good considering.

So last Friday my Dad went in to potentially get two stints done in the arteries going to his heart. Both were too blocked to be done.
So now within the next 2-3 weeks he will go in for bypass surgery. He has (4) blockages. They are going to try to take veins from his chest before moving to his leg.
He will be laid up a minimum of 6 weeks for recovery.

Needless to say this was quite a blow to him, who thought this stint would fix him right up. A blow to the rest of us who just didn’t expect something so potentially life threatening to take place.

He is lucky, the Dr even said so. If they didn’t find this, on a fluke at that, he would have just taken the big one, and that would be it.
This is a very sensitive topic for me. I’ve had a hard time talking about it outside of the conversations in my own head.
I lost my grandfather, who I was very close with 9 years this March, due to heart issues. The thought of my Dad even going into surgery fills me with knuckle whitening terror. People can tell me it will be okay, that it’s done everyday, and on the outside I smile, nod and totally agree. On the inside, I am a little girl who is absolutely terrified of a world without her Daddy.

On top of all this, CAiNE of course is just two months away. We have a ton of work to get done. I’m putting in about an hour a day right now to make sure nothing falls off the radar, and I will potentially have to move as well because with Dad out of work, Mom and Dad may just have to put the house up and live more modestly, thus forcing me to move before my April/May plan.

My ever optimistic self needs to realize, I’m not alone. I have friends to be there to get me through all this hard stuff. Still, when sitting here staring at the blaring white screen and blinking cursor… it doesn’t always feel like a room full of friends.

Forgive me if the blog becomes a place to get some thought off my chest in the coming weeks. I just need it to escape my own head.

This weekend I am going to cook from “The Book”. I’ll let you know what I make, and how it turns out. Seriously contemplating Eggs Benny with Julia’s Hollandaise.

For the love of life and love of food,

~Squigzella

Decided what I am going to make out of Mastering the Art of French Cooking for a party I’m going to. Broiled Artichokes, which in turn come off in leaves, with Hollandaise for dipping!
I’m pretty jazzed, though I may try the Hollandaise sauce recipe in advance so I don’t screw it up the day of the party.

Went to WW on Saturday. I was down 3 pounds from my personal weigh in the week before. This pleased me greatly. Tracking I think will be the key to success this time around. I find when I keep track, I have better results. On goes the battle.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

For the love of food,
~Squigzella

Mood: Obsessive.

So it’s day three of tracking. Doing well. Today I hit my mark on points even. Because I wanted to indulge a wee bit.

I made Julia’s Chocolate Mousse! It was amazing. Starting to think it all is going to be delicious! How did her husband live to such an old age eating so much butter?!

Not much to complain about. Got some news about my Dad’s health that has me concerned. If all goes well he’ll be fine. He has about 5 more of his 9 lives left. So I just have to keep that in mind.

Got some work done on CAINE stuff this week. May do some more tonight.

Really need some new music on my playlist. Totally open to new bands or suggestions. I’ve worn out Mumford and Sons along with Adele and James Butler Trio.

Now to post some long overdue photos!

Photos: L-R : Robert picking his pumpkin, Thanksgiving Table, Dad

Kaylee Monster, My Tree 2011, Javier the Christmas Flamingo Escaping

Javier the Christmas Flamingo COOKED!

It was a year of ups and downs that is for certain. I struggled with my weight and maintained, I started forging a plan to either rent or buy a townhouse. I bought some furniture for this future home. I did a bit of self discovery. I made some changes in how I treat people and who I have in my life. I learned the value of family, even when they drive you crazy. I have my Nan with me for another year. She beat cancer!

2012

This year has started off better than the years before it. There are some personal things going on that are simply wonderful. I know there will be challenges along the way, but I couldn’t have asked for more. Like a good friend I am going to make some commitments to myself this year.

The year I turn 34…

I will blog at LEAST once a week.

I will maintain my weight, if not lose a bit more, reaching one small weight goal at a time.

I will stay in touch with my friends far away, and build on the new friendships I have made.

I will give my all in March for CAINE 2012, and be thankful for everyone’s efforts, big or small.

I endeavor to treat others as I would like to be treated no matter how much it pains me to do so. This is a learning experience.

I will continue to write, and this year I will work on publishing my works on their own website.

I will cook from my Mastering the Art of French Cooking Cookbook at least twice a month.

All in all, not a bad list.

I look forward to my birthday this year, and spending it with friends and loved ones. I look forward to March and seeing friends who I haven’t seen in a year or more.

I look forward to traveling to Ottawa in April and St. Louis in the summer.

Bring it on 2012.

I’m ready for you.

X’s and O’s

~Squigzella

Really haven’t figure it all out. I’ve been reading wise words from a fellow blogger and really do find a bit of clarity in her weekly dose of wisdom. That being said, that clarity only lasts for a few hours then I feel myself drowning in the abyss of confusion over where I’m going with my life, how I want to treat myself physically and emotionally.

I know that a person has to want change to make it happen. I know that I need to believe deep down in what I’m doing to succeed.

I’m feeling a little defeated today. A wee case of the Mondays perhaps. I’m just hoping it passes and I get back on the horse.

Funny how one little “pebble”‘ can derail your efforts.

Here is to tomorrow, it is a new day.

~Squigzella

Though I have been divorced a few years now, as September 11th draws closer I remember my life then. I look fondly upon my “other life” it made me the woman I am now, and eventually lead my ex hub to his wonderful life now too. There is no bitterness there any longer.

The media is saturated with 9/11 video replays and detailed interviews of those who suffered loss that day, those who survived the day. Yes, it was an absolute tragedy. Yes, we should not forget those lost.

Should those of us who suffered through that day have to be subjected to re-living the tale every year?  Maybe I’m cold… or selfish.

As I said, I have been divorced now for a few years, but the memory of thinking my love was dead… the memory of his terrors for months, years later after surviving and how they tortured him… I just want to scream at the TV.

Yes it was a terrorist attack and yes it still terrorizes us. The media facilitates it… and it just makes me want to tune out the world for the next week. Let me mourn that day in peace. Don’t announce 10 years later new reports from air traffic controllers or survivors to try to make it more heroic. It is, what it was 10 years ago. A tragedy.

*steps off soap box*

I will never forget. I will never need a reminder.

Squigzella

Recently in a conversation with a good friend they pointed out my constant quips about my body image. This is interesting for a few reasons.

Before I lost ANY weight, I had no negative issues with my self image. I loved me for me, and the reason I started watching what I ate more closely 4 years ago was my fear of diabetes which runs in my family.

Recently I’ve been at a stand still, but I have also wanted to just eat what I want. I am totally awestruck that I don’t have to buy plus size clothes anymore. I can find clothes to fit my body at Old Navy (Size 14-16 even) and at Ricki’s and Reitmans. This is awesome. However…for some reason though I am straddling the line between 200′s and 100′s… I really feel bigger than I did when I was closer to 300 than 200…

I’ve been thinking about this long and hard. There are emotional triggers in my life which make me want to turn to sweets, greasy treats. But more so, I have a busy social life. I want to be out and on the go. The challenge here is two things: I either have to eat out because I do not live in the city, and to come home to eat to go back out is just not a wise choice, or I have to hope with some coaxing that my friends will cook something that fits into my daily eating habits. As of late, I have felt (this is completely internal, and nothing anyone has said) that it would just be a big hassle to have food prepared for me, and rude. So I just shut up and eat. I shut up and stop at McDonald’s for breakfast.

So after a good long talk with myself today. It wasn’t out loud.. don’t worry! I really need to stand up for me. I need to spend the money to buy myself the groceries I need to make my lunch all week, and if I want to go uptown and see friends at lunch, TAKE IT WITH ME! I need to make the time every night to prepare my lunch for the next day. I need to do these things for myself. I set a goal, and it isn’t so far out of reach, but I cannot get there if I don’t try, and apply myself and use the knowledge of good eating choices locked in this stubborn noggin of mine.

I love my personality, I love my whimsy, I love my smile, I love my curves. I do not love how my curves frown at me in the mirror when naked and make me feel undesirable, even if there are people who might claim otherwise. I need to buckle down and take care of me.

This is the only life, and only body I have. It’s time to find the balance. It’s time to take charge.

Here is hoping my internal pep talk and action plan are enough.

For the love of food,

~Squigzella

I haven’t counted how many days until my goal date, but I know it’s just over 6 months. I really have to buckle down. Part of the issue with fitness is my social schedule. I need to sit down, re-evaluate and maybe make some changes. I’m just on the go the second half of my week, which leaves no time to get out and do things. I may have to vito the work week activities or make them later so that I can get done what I need to, so that I’m taking care of me.

Haven’t had to settle on my “big decision” I mentioned last week, but the time is coming soon. I think I have it figured out. I’m going to test the waters today and see how it goes.

I’m on vacay Thursday and Friday this week. Looking forward to having some time off.

X’s and O’s
~Squigzella